The War Within
by Kat
Summary: This is what's really going on in the minds of the Animorphs...


The War Within

Written By: [Kat][1]

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Author's Note: This is not a cheerful story or a long on either :) Each paragraph is what the Animorph named is thinking. What really goes on inside their heads. Their inner battle, fighting no one but themselves. This is their story, their take on the things that they do.

My name is Tobias.

I am neither hawk nor human, but a horrid mix of the two. I could never be one or the other, so I am both. Taking both the pros and cons of each of my two identities. The wings of the hawk, and the emotions of the human help me to cope with the horror that is my life. I am physically able to be one or the other, but it would destroy me, kill me from the inside-out... If only hawk, then I kill to eat. I have almost starved once, because I felt regret for every animal that I ripped apart and ate. I have almost come to terms with my feeding... almost. As a hawk I would lose all traces of my humanity, reading, shopping, talking, just simply interacting with other people. And I would lose Rachel. Out of all, this plagues me the most. Not being able to see her smile, to hear her laugh, to touch her hand, to kiss her lips. I need Rachel, but if I were only a hawk, I couldn't have her. Birds and humans don't exactly get married, and have kids. But, as a hawk I keep my wings, my carriers to freedom, the sky, the clouds, the thermals. They are my carriers to heaven. If only human, I lose my wings. I also lose the only happiness I've ever known, my friends. My friends who are really closer to my family than anyone else. In fact, Ax is my uncle. It's just like my father said, my friends are my family now. You can't be part of the team without the skills to stay alive, and fight. If I became a human nothlit I would have to forever live with the knowledge of a great evil slowly annihilating our world, and not be able to do anything about it. But, I'd have Rachel. I am neither hawk nor human, I am both. I am an Animorph. 

My name is Rachel.

I fight a war, not with the Yeerks, but with myself. Each time I go into battle I have to control my rage, and urge to fight. I scare myself. Killing, the murder, the deliberate death I cause captivates me. It empowers me. I live for it. I don't think that I could live without it. The feeling of adrenaline surging through my veins, my heart pumping so fast I could pass out. The sheer bliss, the total ecstasy of the power I feel enthralls me. It's an addiction. It's like a drug. I get an indescribable high off of it. Sometimes I lose control. I go on a rampage. I murder or destroy anything in my way. I love it. I love to kill. Sometimes I think about what would happen if we won tomorrow, how can I stop something that I can't control? It terrifies me. One day I may not be able to stop myself at all. I could hurt someone I love, my family... my friends... Tobias. My friends think I'm reckless, foolish, and insane, but most of all they think that I'm fearless. They're wrong. I fear myself, and what may lie deep within me. I fight a war, not with the Yeerks, but with myself. I am an Animorph.

My name is Cassie. 

I am the killer with a conscience. I feel for everyone that I murder. I think about their families, friends, and the life that I deprived them of. I think about who they were in this world. I think things like, maybe that guy whose throat I just ripped out was supposed to be my future husband, or the next president. Maybe that woman whose skull I just smashed was going to find the cure to cancer. I cry for every soul I extinguish. I'm a hypocrite. I say that what we do is wrong. That violence is not the way to win this war. Then I go on a mission and slaughter controllers anyway. I sometimes wish I could just turn off the guilt that I feel for every life that I take. I wish that I had Rachel's confidence, her fearless, and sometimes emotionless mind. Then I realize that I'd be no better then her. I love her, she's my best friend, but her utter disregard for life scares me. She scares me. If I didn't mourn for the fallen who would? The Yeerks? No. Their families? No, they'll never know the truth about how their loved one really died. So, I grieve. I can't be emotionless. I don't want to be. I am the killer with a conscience. I am an Animorph.

My name is Jake.

I am the leader. I hold my friend's lives in my hands every day. I decide who goes or stays, whose flame is blown out, or whether it burns for another day. I make their decisions, yet I can't make my own. If it comes down to it, could I kill Tom? Could I kill my older brother, my role model? The guy that I looked up to for so many years. The man, who years ago taught me how to play basketball. Could I kill him? I once thought that I couldn't. I could barely conceive of it. It made me sick to think about it. That was before. Before I was cursed by experiencing being a controller first hand. I now realize that death is a salvation for the controlled. A safe haven for the slaves imprisoned in their own bodies. Better dead then a controller. But, on a good day, when I can almost forgot about the Yeerk wrapped around his brain, feeding off of his misery, the idea of murdering my brother in pity makes me physically ill. I sometimes lay awake at night, and imagine all of the scenarios that could kill my friends. I would die in their place every time. Their lives are worth more to me then even my own. I've grown up too fast. I no longer have the eyes of a child. Instead my eyes are filled with the wisdom and fear that is my world today. A secret world, a separate reality then what everyone else experiences. I didn't chose my role, it was just fate, my fate, my destiny. I am the leader. I hold my friend's lives in my hands everyday. I am an Animorph.

My name is Aximili-Esgarrouth-Isthil.

I am alone on this planet, but I am not. I have my human friends, and my shorm Tobias. I often wonder what I will say to the Andalites that come to Earth. They are my people, yet they do not understand me. I do not stand side by side with them during battle. I have never even fought in a battle with another Andalite. I wonder what I will tell them when I see them next. Who are my true people? Human or Andalite? How will I be treated? As an equal, or as a traitor? My brother may have broken the Law of Seerow's Kindness when he gave my human friends the power to morph, but I took the blame. In addition, I too have broken that law. I share knowledge with my human friends, and I was the one that gave David the powers. It was a mistake, but I follow my prince no matter what. I will never become anything great on the home world. I have disgraced both myself and my family. I think sometimes that it would be easier if I simply trapped myself as a human. The only thing keeping me from doing so is the fact that I would no longer be able to fight the Yeerks. Who are my true people? Perhaps I was not meant to know. I am alone on this planet, but I am not. I am an Animorph.

My name is Marco.

My life is one of conflicting emotions. In the past the same question ran through my head. Should I quit or stay? Now that I've learned about my mother, the question running through my mind every second of the day is, could I kill my mother to save my friends? My answer changes from minute to minute. If... no when it happens, what will I choose? I never know. The question haunts me, just like the memories I now own. Sometimes I don't sleep. I just lie awake in bed. Sometimes I cry. My coping technique is to laugh. That's my role in this war. I'm funny-boy. My friends don't understand me, they just think that I'm serious-impaired. Before every mission, every battle I think to myself, could this be the last time I do this? And before every battle, I once again come to terms with death. I no longer fear death. Not really. What horrifies me are the alternatives. I could become trapped in morph. Tobias scares me. Every time I look at him I think about it. How would I cope? Tobias is the son of Elfangor, and the Ellimist likes him. He did him a favor. I wouldn't be as lucky. I would stay a true nothlit. It terrifies me. My other alternative is to live as a controller. To be a slave, a prisoner, a captive. I couldn't live with that. My life is one of conflicting emotions. I am an Animorph.

Together we fight, both Yeerks and ourselves. 

Our battle rages both in our minds, and against our enemies. We are the only hope that this world has. We each have our inner-demons that plague us with indecision, and horror. All of these silent monsters were caused by the Yeerks. Together we fight, both Yeerks and ourselves. We are Animorphs.

   [1]: mailto:ThatzKAT2U@aol.com



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